


The Light in the Darkness

by Gallavichfiction



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:31:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3212597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gallavichfiction/pseuds/Gallavichfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian is hurled into another "low low" and engages in self-harm, Mickey attempts to comfort him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Light in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by: freakydani

Ian felt low, very low. He felt like his body was weighed down under bricks. He could hear a buzzing in his brain, and every part of him felt exhausted. He lay still in his bed, curled up into the fetal position and stared at the lamp by their bed. He could feel Mickey tense beside him.  
"Ian? Ian are you okay?" But to Ian, Mickey's voice sounded like it was underwater, low, mumbled and nearly impossible to comprehend.  
\---  
Mickey could barely look at the lump on their bed without tearing up. Ian had not moved for 10 hours now, and Mickey felt helpless, and utterly useless. But he couldn't leave Ian, he was afraid to have him out of his sight. Mickey sat in the chair, by Ian's bed all day, waiting. He waited for Ian to move, to smile, to laugh, to get out of bed and wrestle. At this point, Mickey would settle for Ian just looking away from that goddamn lamp.  
\---  
Five days past, and Mickey struggled to comfort Ian. This was the longest it had ever been. Fiona had been nagging for months to get Ian to see the doctor, but Mickey had been too stupid to listen. But how could he send the man that he loved to some Quack, how could he stand by as some stranger stuffed him full of pills until he was no longer Ian?  
\---  
The darkness in Ian's head overwhelmed him. He felt a black cloud of depression wave over him until he could barely breath. Ian choked on his breath as he lay motionless underneath the blankets.  
\---  
Mickey had tried everything, said everything, called everyone. Nothing he could do, could sway him. As Mickey watched protectively over Ian, he couldn't help but replay Fiona's words over in his head "He could end up suicidal!" The very idea of losing Ian made him shudder. That afternoon, Mickey felt like an idiot, but hid all the knives, guns and weapons in the entire house. Mickey would never forgive himself if anything happened to Ian. How could he? Ian was his angel of release and even if he was struggling, he was still the same old Ian.  
\---  
The cloud of darkness made Ian think, it made Ian think of how he was a burden to his family. The darkness reminded him of all the times he had hurt the ones he loved. The black cloud expanded into every crevice of his brain, as it whispered all of his deepest darkest fears, all of his inner anxieties.  
"He doesn't love you"  
"He will leave you"  
"You're a burden to your family"  
"You're the crazy one"  
"You're the Monica"  
It got to the point where Ian pulled his pillow over his ears and began to scream in agonizing pain as if his head would burst. He focused back on the dim glow of the bedside lamp, focused all his energy on that small light within the darkness.  
\---  
Mickey watched over him, every day, every night. He was there when Ian would wake up screaming and sweating. He was there when all Ian would do was stare, stare at the fucking bedside lamp for hours on end. It was Day 9, and Mickey was at a loss of ideas. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed in next to Ian. Mickey crawled in bed, next to his tough guy who was lying so still it scared him. Mickey held him as tightly as he could. It was if he was trying to hold Ian together, protect him from himself. Mickey would kill for Ian, he would fucking die for him. He wanted to protect him from anything and everything. However, it was impossible to protect him when it was Ian's mind that was hurting him.  
\---  
Ian felt the blood pulsing in his head. He could feel the waves of anger and self-hatred intermingle with the dark abyss of loneliness and sadness. He sensed Mickey lying asleep beside him, his arm over Ian's waist. He could not move a muscle his fucked up mind refused to allow him to do anything, He felt so much pain, every nerve was on fire. He needed to do something, anything. He looked at the lamp, it was turned off but Ian could see the glow around it. He could see the light even though the room was pitch black. It took everything he had to lift the shade from the lamp. He carefully removed the bulb and crushed it in his hand. His hands were bleeding but Ian could barely feel it. He inhaled deeply closed his eyes and took one of the glass shards and cut into his wrist. The cut made Ian's eyes suddenly alert and the pain made him cry out, waking Mickey.  
\---  
Mickey woke up to the smell of blood, and a crying Ian. Ian lay curled up in the corner, blood gushing from his wrists. Mickey wanted to swear, wanted to scream. But he saw Ian out of bed, bleeding and crying and he knew he had to act quickly. He called the ambulance, called Fiona, and wrapped up Ian's wrists. Mickey held him until the ambulance arrived. Mickey held his hand in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and Mickey stayed in his hospital bedroom all night long. Mickey felt useless, but he would protect Ian. He would protect him until the day he died, even if he had to rescue him from himself.  
He made a promise with himself, that Ian would see that goddamn doctor first thing on Monday, he would make an appointment. If pills could help Ian, could help avoid this kind of mess, then maybe they weren't so bad.


End file.
